I cut my penus on the lid.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
