I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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