did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
