Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
