I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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