i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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