You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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