My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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