I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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