last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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