That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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