Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
