apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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