Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
