Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
