i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
