im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She even gives head with a lisp.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
All the doctor said was why
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
