I need to stop coming to work sober
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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