like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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