so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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