need another drink. this is the easiest way
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
