it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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