I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Randomize
