I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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