new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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