It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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