i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
