so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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