You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
