i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize