i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
