She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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