I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
