I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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