Do vagina's smell?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
