New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
