you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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