I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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