"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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