Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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