I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
