i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
