my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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