Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
