you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
