I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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