garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
