I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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