Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
