That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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