Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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