Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
