My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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