I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
