I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
