she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
