She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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