Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
