Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
